What Can You Do to Specifically Convey Your Respect of a Family's Personal Choices and Values?

What are Values?

We hear and so much these days about how important it is that parents instill good values in their children. The truth is that if parents don't accept this responsibility, so the void may be filled by negative forces in our culture that do not support healthy morals and ideals for our families.

The more enlightened parents are of their own values, the clearer they will be in expressing them and communicating them to their children.

Value is the amount of worth ascribed to something, the caste to which something is prized or has merit. Values are the beliefs that each person considers are important for himself and possibly for humanity as a whole.

Values are very of import in parenting since they securely influence all behaviors and attitudes and effect our decisions and relationships. For a value to exist truly your ain, yous must act on it and your behavior must reflect information technology – not just verbally have information technology or think that you should follow it.

The following common sayings refer to the important concept of acting in concert with your values in order to have internal integrity:

put your coin where your mouth is;
walk the walk not just talk the talk;
actions speak louder than words;
children do as they see, not do as they are told to do.

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Some Facts well-nigh Values

Values Tin can Cause Conflict

The closer the relationship to another person, the more a person feels responsible for that person. That partially explains why parents frequently accept an intense bulldoze to brand certain their children take their values and deed according to those standards.
Values are very personal and are often held with groovy conviction, including beliefs almost how to parent. Strongly committed to their values, people tin can feel personally attacked when someone disagrees with them or tries to inflict their values on them. Equally a result, conflicts can occur if someone tries to tell another person how to heighten his children.

For case, immature parents often are very sensitive to comments and suggestions from their ain parents about their parenting choices, as it often feels like criticism of a value the newer parents concur.
This strong commitment to ane's values tin can also lead to tension between parents when they disagree on key bug about raising their children.
Strong adherence to one'southward values is also a common cause of tension between parents and children (especially teens) when the children espouse opposing values.

Values Are Subjective

Ofttimes values are not consciously called. They are based on deep behavior that people acquire from their parents when they are so young that they accept what their parents say and practice without question.

These early beliefs are communicated to children to a large caste not-verbally and through the myriad of interactions they have with their parents throughout their childhood. Children usually take on the values of those in charge until they are sometime enough (and encouraged) to begin to call back for themselves.
Values are completely subjective and are personal opinions, not facts. Oftentimes people recollect that what they value is a universally accustomed belief and that information technology is factual and objective.
Prejudices are formed when opinions, which are determined by our values and are interpretations of facts, are stated as facts and believed to be facts. These then are oft communicated to children as absolute truths.

For example, a parent may value the qualities of studiousness and seriousness in a child, and communicate to a more bouncy kid that his highly active temperament is 'bad.' This more active kid may and then grow upwards believing that there is something wrong with him.
An important part of increasing our agreement of values is to differentiate between facts and opinions.

In the to a higher place example, this louder and more spirited kid may not be what a parent prefers (that is, what he values), but there is nothing inherently bad about those traits. Another parent may actually feel better nigh a child is who more bouncy and lively.

It is all a thing of personal opinion and preference, not fact.

Values Change Over Time

Values oftentimes change with age and are closely connected to a person's developmental phase in life.

For example:

As teens begin breaking away from their parents, they closely identify with their peer grouping. These friendships become all-important, often taking precedence over family relationships.

Once the teen matures and becomes more comfortable with himself, he can and then break away from his peer group to grade his ain values, which often return to or become more similar to those of his parents.

When a person becomes a parent, values often change as rearing children and providing for them become priorities in the parent's life.
One very effective way that teens dissever themselves from their parents is by rejecting the parents' values. If teens have non been allowed to voice an opposing view all forth, they may insubordinate more than strongly in the adolescent years as a way of decisively differentiating themselves from their parents.

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The Value of Values

Understanding the concept of values and the importance of instruction them to their children gives parents a powerful fashion to influence their children and to shield them from the adverse forces they may encounter in the exterior world.

Parents are not helpless against the realities in our civilization and in the media that set on their belief systems and that brand practicing salubrious parenting feel like an practise in "swimming upstream."

Values Provide Clarity

Parents are more effective and articulate when they know what they value for themselves and how those values influence what they desire for their children.
The more witting parents are of the values they wish to transmit and the more they know about constructive ways of transmitting them, the more than likely it is that their children will learn and incorporate those values.

Values Provide Guidance

Knowing your goals for your child helps you decide how to relate to your children. Information technology focuses the parenting choices you make, helps you to guide your children, determine what messages yous desire to send and what behaviors and attitudes yous desire to reinforce. Do you want to reinforce:
- hard work?
- kindness?
- generosity?
- assertiveness?
- independence?
Information technology helps you choice your battles, decide what is worth your time and attention, and what you can let go of.

Values Impact Relationships

Understanding your values helps make clear when ane value conflicts with another. Y'all can so consciously determine what your priorities are in regard to the two conflicting values. Practice you value:
- honesty or politeness?
- neatness or creativity?
- socialization fourth dimension with peers or fourth dimension with family unit?
Ane very constructive style that teens separate themselves from their parents is by rejecting the parents' values. If teens have not been allowed to voice an opposing view all along, they may rebel more than strongly in the boyish years as a way of decisively differentiating themselves from their parents.

Knowing what you value tin serve as a guide to determine when and how you lot desire to intervene in a situation with your children. If you see your child misbehaving in a manner that is opposite to a value y'all desire to instill, it can be a clue about something the child needs to acquire, whether it be kindness, generosity, responsibleness, honesty, etc.

The situation tin can be an opportunity to do your task as a parent to teach that value and the behaviors that reflect it, rather than a reason to get angry and punish.

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What'south the Challenge?

Just sometimes it is not as piece of cake as it seems it should be.

Parents Don't Know What They Value

For 1 matter, parents aren't always certain themselves what they consider to be important, what it is that they value. As the old adage says, "If y'all don't know where y'all desire to go, yous are far less probable to get there." It oft takes conscious effort to become clear about one's overall value system.

For example, if you are not clear that yous want your children to testify gratitude, you may miss opportunities to teach your child how he can express his sincere thanks when someone buys him a present.

Values Can Conflict with 1 Another

Secondly, our own values can conflict with one some other. This internal values conflict tin occur when a person is not articulate about which value is more important, or when a person values ii things at once which seem incompatible.

Parents may feel an increment in stress, tension and confusion when they have alien values and they may send mixed or confusing letters to their children.

For example:

A parent may want his kid to exist contained only also may want his dwelling house to be very bang-up – how does this parent respond when his seven yr onetime wants to make his own breakfast but often winds upward spilling the cereal and juice on the counter and sometimes on the floor?

Another parent may value honesty but also want her child to be popular – so how does she counsel her kid when the child knows that a student who is part of the "in-crowd" was cheating on an exam?

If a parent values both obedience and independence, it volition exist best to clarify in what areas the child is to be obedient and where he may be contained.

A parent may value obedience in wellness and safety matters and respect for human life, while valuing independence in the areas of cocky-care and treatment responsibleness.

A few other common internal values conflicts are:

curiosity vs. self-control.
neatness vs. inventiveness.
honesty vs. politeness.
being popular with peers vs. standing up for 1's beliefs or for an 'underdog'.
focus on academics vs. focus on social life.
focus on social time vs. having family time.

Parents May Disagree over Values

In that location may be disagreement between two parents nigh what is important and which traits to encourage in their children.

For case, 1 parent may want their child to be assertive and outspoken, while the other parent may prefer a kid who is obedient, gets forth with others and defers to the parent's decisions.

Parents may share a value but still disagree about how to reflect that value.

For example, both may desire their child to have high self-esteem just i may want a looser structure in the abode to give more freedom for self-expression and the other parent may desire more structure in the habitation to give a greater sense of security and prophylactic through rules.

Values Modify over Time

Values can and do change with time, age and experience. Some values become less of import equally others rise in importance. Parents may value different traits in their children at unlike times considering they themselves are changing and because their expectations for different age children vary.

For example, when children are toddlers, some parents might wish the kids were less active and more than obedient; equally the children grow, these same parents might really appreciate their children'southward energy, curiosity and initiative.

Equally children mature into adolescents, they frequently express their budding, simply insecure, independence past rejecting their parents' values. Although parents may strongly want their children to live according to their values, the teens' chore is to determine their own value arrangement.

How and how much tin can parents of teens control their children'southward values without running the take chances of pushing them in the totally contrary direction?

For case, do you forbid a shaved head and torn jeans or do yous permit your teens freedom to experiment with unlike values?

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Transmitting Values:
Benefits and Pitfalls of Dissimilar Approaches

Now that y'all know why information technology is important to exist clear about your own values and to communicate them to your children, you lot may be asking how you can do that effectively. There are four approaches that parents tin can use to pass on their values.

One of the ways to differentiate one from the other is to consider:

how directly the value is transmitted.
how involved the parent is in the transmission.

Being aware of these ii dimensions can help you lot to best implement each of the approaches. Each i has its place in passing on your values to your children and no i approach used exclusively is every bit effective as using all in combination.

Moralizing

What is Moralizing?

Moralizing involves preaching and education.

Parents are very involved with this arroyo to passing on their values, and the values are very directly transmitted. This method is used more often when children are young and parents are straight pedagogy children how to behave.

Using Moralizing to Teach Values

Moralizing is near constructive when washed in short spurts, not in long preachy lectures: you can requite curt impassioned sermons when insisting that certain behaviors reflective of a value are upheld. By doing so, yous are communicating very clearly what you value.

Parents may finer impose values on children by focusing on a few key issues – this can have the desired impact without bogging the child down.

For example, one expanse many parents feel very strongly about is respectful and kind treatment of others. You may desire to requite brusque, articulate and stern "lectures" if your children phone call other children names.

As well, to instill a sense of responsibility in your children, if they shirk from doing their chores, you tin can teach briefly why it is important that they follow through with their commitments:

"I wait you lot to live upward to your give-and-take."

"In gild for me to trust y'all, you need to exercise what you say you are going to do."

"For our household to run smoothly, I count on you to do your chores."

To instill a sense of gratitude in your children, you can teach them how important it is to say thanks when yous practise something for them; if they complain that your efforts are non enough, y'all can tell them:

"When I go out of my way to take yous to Sam'due south house, I expect and want you to say give thanks you for driving me rather than complaining that we are late."

You can teach them how to answer when they receive a present:

"Cheers so much. I love the carmine backpack. I can take it to school every day."

Even if they practise not similar the present, they can express appreciation for the try and thought the giver put into choosing the gift.

The Pitfalls of Moralizing

However, if moralizing or teaching is overdone, children may melody out their parents and may rebel (especially in the teen years) confronting beingness dictated to and lectured.

Besides, preaching is less effective if children see that parents' actions don't friction match their words; that is, they don't "walk the talk."

If moralizing is the just method used to teach your values, children will not develop an internal value system, self-subject area or the ability to call up for themselves because they have become accepted to being told what to do and what to remember.

Modeling

What is Modeling

Modeling involves parents interim in ways that demonstrate the desired values.

When modeling, parents are directly involved merely the value is non taught directly.

The Benefits of Modeling

Modeling advisable behavior is a powerful way to transmit values. The former adage "Do what I say, not what I do" just does not work. Children are more than influenced by what they come across parents doing than by what parents tell them to exercise.

For example:

If a parent wants her kid to be respectful when talking to people, one of the all-time ways to encourage that behavior is to be respectful herself – when talking to the kid too every bit to other people.

If a parent tells a child how important information technology is to be neat and to take care of one's possessions, but is sloppy herself with her things, chances are the kid will emulate the parent's careless and sloppy behavior rather than pay attention to what the parent says the child should do.

If a parent values honesty, but fibs virtually her kid's historic period to get a disbelieve at the movie theater, the daughter will likely determine that saving coin is more important than existence honest. This puts a lot of pressure on parents to think about how they behave, speak and care for other people.

The Pitfalls of Modeling

If only modeling the behavior yous want to see without giving children an opportunity to discuss the values that underlie the beliefs, they may not understand the reason for the value or comprehend the value fully. Left to themselves to interpret the value beingness shown by the behavior, they may miss information technology altogether, or the significant may exist diluted or confused.

As well, in that location are then many function models both face-to-face and through the media available to children nowadays, many of which may not espouse the same values equally the parents.

As a result, children are oft exposed to alien values through questionable role models. All the more reason for parents to be vigilant nearly directly transmitting the values they want their children to ultimately adopt.

Clarifying Values

What is Clarifying Values?

Clarifying Values uses an educational process which encourages children to consciously place, understand, question and create their own value systems.

Through the process of clarification, a value is directly transmitted through parental involvement. Parents actively express their ain values but practice non impose them directly on their children.

Children are encouraged to focus on the process of determining a value and can admit their own values and choose between alternatives.

The Benefits of Clarifying Values

When children openly discuss values, they are ameliorate equipped to empathise them, argue against them, consciously integrate ane value with another, sympathize why a value is important and perhaps have it as their own.

Children are taught how to recall about and evaluate a value; they are not taught what specifically to call back.

For instance, if you desire to teach your children to help those in demand, you tin ask them:

"Why do you remember it is important to help less fortunate people?"

"What would happen if people did not extend a helping hand to those in need?"

"What categories of people would you consider to be needy of assistance?"

"What specifically can yous do in your life to assist these people?"

"Are there times when you lot recollect information technology is correct to focus on your own needs over those of someone else?"

"What might be some of those situations?"

The Pitfalls of Clarifying Values

Be careful not to make the discussions as well complicated for young children. Keep it simple. Equally they mature, you can make the concepts more nuanced, complex and sophisticated.

A Laissez-Faire Approach

What is a Laissez-Faire Approach?

This approach allows children to forge their own values, the belief being that no i value system is right for anybody.

The Benefits of a Laissez-Faire Approach

This approach is more advisable for older children who already have some bones values in identify that the parent finds acceptable. It is best used in small-scale doses and when the parent feels that the child has attained a sure level of sound judgment.

In its favor, a child volition more strongly adopt those values that he determines for himself, contained of exterior imposition.

The Pitfalls of a Laissez-Faire Approach

Although many parents use this approach, it is not very effective in instilling the values you want to teach, because it does not offer enough guidance.

Parents are not involved and the pedagogy of the value is very indirect or non-real. Children and teens still demand guidance in developing and evaluating their own value systems, and they depend on the pregnant people in their lives for help.

If a laissez-faire approach is the simply or dominant means used to transmit values, a child may feel abased. This could leave him vulnerable to outside influences that do not encourage the development of a salubrious value system.

When a parent assists in clarifying values and engages in the procedure of discussing values with his child, so the child will take a framework to develop his ain value organization, even if information technology is not identical to the parent's beliefs.

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What to Do

Decide what behaviors/traits you lot want your children to showroom.
Knowing what you consider important and paying attending to how you lot can communicate that to your children will let you lot to be more intentional in passing on those values. The exercises in the next department of this commodity can help you to go clear about your values and those you lot would like your family to have.

Create a values hierarchy to exist aware of internal values conflicts.
This can exist very hard: it is not easy to decide exactly the relative importance of different values. Again, you lot can apply the exercises in the next department to prioritize your personal values.

Utilize daily situations to assist your child learn how to showroom a value.
If you are aware that your child is not demonstrating a value that you think is important, you can teach your kid what beliefs would reflect that value.

For example:

If your child hits his sister because she took his toy, assistance him to consider what he could do instead of striking, and use the situation every bit an opportunity to build empathy ("How would information technology feel to you if. . . ."). You lot can admit that your child is trying to acquit in a fashion that does not come easily to him.

If your kid asks repeatedly when you volition be finished with your chores so you lot can take him to his friends, you can comment that yous see that he is struggling to be patient and that you know that is hard for him.

Recognize and utilise teachable moments that occur in daily life.
These everyday events and experiences can serve as opportunities to instill values in your children.

For example:

If yous are watching a idiot box program with your children, discuss the hurtful, negative, unkind beliefs of the characters, also every bit the positive traits and behaviors.

Involve your children in charitable work you do at your place of worship or in your customs.

Call attention to positive behavior by labeling it.
When you see your child behaving in a way that reflects a value y'all want to instill, acknowledging the beliefs and linking it to an important value is a powerful teaching tool.

To your son who shared his favorite toy with his sister, you can say, "I see you willing to share your favorite toy. That is what I call existent generosity."

Use a balance of all iii of the direct ways (educational activity, modeling, clarifying) mentioned above to impart your values.
This volition requite you the greatest chance of having your children develop a strong ethical value system and internalize your values; perhaps not during their teen years, but earlier and later!

For example, in instilling the value of helping those in demand, over time and in various situations, y'all can:

tell your kid why you think that information technology is of import to assist others:

model charitable giving, i.e: helping a neighbor who has just come habitation from the hospital;

ask leading questions to help your kid think near the meaning of helping those in need;

give them some leeway to either have and act upon the value or discard it (if they are older and safety is not involved.)

Share your family unit stories that demonstrate values you want to instill. It is inspiring to children and deepens their sense of identity.

"In our family, people have been generous, courageous, and able to survive tragedies. Did you know that when Granddaddy came to this country… "

Retrieve that it takes time and practise before your kid will internalize some values and live by them. Be patient and exist hopeful.

The more witting parents are of the values they wish to laissez passer on to their children and the more than they know about effective means of transmitting these values, the more likely information technology is that their values will be communicated and adopted.

This process occurs over fourth dimension, as children are not able to understand or incorporate some values for a long time. But children will do good from having parents who piece of work to transmit their values in a patient and nurturing manner.

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Exercises to Help You Get Articulate about Your Values

Because knowing what you value is such a crucial role of healthy and effective parenting, we are including a number of exercises that will aid y'all to consider your values.

You can prioritize the things that are most of import to you:

What practise I consider important, and which of these values is more than important to me?
What traits and behaviors do I value in my children and would similar them to have.

Basic Life Values

Review the list of Life Values beneath; choose the top ten values to make up one's mind what you consider to exist almost of import in your life, put them into a hierarchy and choose the two that you lot value the most and the two that you value the least.

You lot can:

consider how you might express your top ten values (what specific behaviors would demonstrate your superlative 10 values?)
have a discussion with your family unit nigh which values should become your family's core values
encourage your spouse and family unit members to make their own lists
consider how your listing may have been different 10 years ago

Accomplishment	Assertiveness	Beauty
Caring	Challenging Piece of work	Cleaniness
Compassion	Conviction	Consideration
Courage- physical and of convictions	Courtesy	Creativity
Detachment	Decision	Ethusiasm
Excellence	Religion in oneself	Faith in God
Faithfulness	Flexibility	Forgiveness
Friendship	Generousity	Gentleness
Health	Helpfulness	Honesty
Award	Humility	Idealism
Independence	Integrity	Joyfulness
Justice	Kindness/empathy	Noesis
Love	Loyalty	Mercy
Moderation	Modesty	Morality
Obedience	Orderliness	Patience
Peacefulness	Personal Growth	Pleasance
Power	Purposefulness	Recognition
Reliability	Religion	Respect for self and others
Responsibleness	Reverence	Security
Self-Discipline	Self-Esteem	Service
Steadfastness	Tact	Thankfulness/gratitude
Tolerance	Trust	Trustworthiness
Truthfulness	Wealth	Wisdom

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Desirable Children'south Traits

Below is a listing of behaviors that a child could demonstrate. Pick out the five that you admire the near and the five that y'all least admire. You can take your co-parent do this do separately and so compare and discuss each of your lists.

TRAITS Virtually ADMIRED

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

TRAITS LEAST ADMIRED

_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
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is very active, always on the become
takes whatever he or she wants
tin can throw & take hold of a ball very well
is a very beautiful child
has a smile for everyone
doesn't desire to exist dingy or messy
can do "physical things" hands (i.e, run, climb, ride a trike)
faces unpleasant situations (i.e, doctor's shots) without flinching
asks questions about everything
can do things a diverseness of ways
always turns out lights when leaving a room
gives toys away to anyone who asks
sees what needs to be done and helps without beingness asked
tells the truth even when it is to his or her disadvantage
e'er wants to do things by cocky
is tested as academically gifted
does what anyone says
lets some other child seize with teeth him or her
doesn't like activities interrupted
always thanks people
is always sought out by playmates
says prayers every nighttime
tin be trusted to leave tempting items alone
comforts a sad kid at preschool
gets own snack whenever hungry

From: Crary, Elizabeth, Without Spanking or Spoiling

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Ranking Children'due south Traits

Rank the personality traits listed below. Use 1 every bit the most important to you.

Note: The traits are the same as were presented in the Desirable Children's Traits (in a higher place).

The numbers in parentheses indicate the respective statement in that exercise.

_____ Agile – lots of energy, always moving (one)

_____ AGGRESSIVE – competitive (2)

_____ ATHLETIC – does well in sports (three)

_____ ATTRACTIVE – physically overnice-looking (4)

_____ CHEERFUL – pleasant, friendly (5)

_____ Make clean – bully, uncluttered (6)

_____ COORDINATED – physically coordinated (vii)

_____ COURAGEOUS – stands up for ain beliefs (eight)

_____ CURIOUS – inquisitive (9)

_____ FLEXIBLE – resourceful, innovative (ten)

_____ FRUGAL – conserves resources and energy (eleven)

_____ GENEROUS – shares with others (12)

_____ HELPFUL TO OTHERS – altruistic (13)

_____ HONEST – truthful (14)

_____ INDEPENDENT – self-reliant (15 & 25)

_____ INTELLIGENT – intellectual (16)

_____ OBEDIENT – compliant (17)

_____ PASSIVE – non ambitious (18)

_____ PERSISTENT – "finishing power" (19)

_____ POLITE – well mannered (20)

_____ Popular – liked by peers (21.)

_____ RELIGIOUS – respects God (22)

_____ SELF-CONTROLLED – self-restraint (23)

_____ SENSITIVE – considerate of other'southward feelings (24)

From: Crary, Elizabeth, Without Spanking or Spoiling

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For more data almost values, check out the following books. Purchasing from Amazon.com through our website supports the work we do to assistance parents exercise the best job they tin can to enhance their children.

Without Spanking or Spoiling by Crary Using Your Values by Heath The Family Virtues Guide by Popov

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<all our recommended parenting books

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